Quotes for Writers

Quotations for Writers

"To write what is worth publishing, to find honest people to publish it, and get sensible people to read it, are the three great difficulties in being an author." -Charles Caleb Colton

"Writing is easy, you just sit down at the typewriter, open up a vein, and bleed it out drop by drop."
-- Red Smith

How to deal with rejections and bad reviews.

Here's how one author does it:
"Have one stiff drink, say five Hail Mary's, and ten Fuck-You's, and get back to work."

You are My Teacher

“If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.”

–Confucius

Inspiration Quotes

Inspiration Quote
"It takes only one story to...inspire a song, create a bond, alter a path, heal a heart, mend a rift, rescue a soul, transform a relationship, re-affirm a marriage, save a life. One story can change the world." -- Patty Hansen and Joy Pieterse, excerpted from Chicken Soup for the Soul Website

"Writing is a trip" ~ quoted from a blog

Evaluation
My teacher said that when a writer submits work for judgment, it is like hanging his underwear on a flagpole for a critical audience to check it for cleanliness

Write for Your Life
The great novelist Toni Morrison said, "There's a difference between writing for a living and writing for life. If you write for a living, you make enormous compromises and you might not ever be able to uncompromise yourself. If you write for life, you'll work hard, you'll do what's honest, not what pays." Still, having the desire to write for life, or record hard-earned insight from actual events, can lead you to write for pay.

Every trade master began his/her dream through practice and nurture. Skilled doctors, carpenters and singers once set out to accomplish small but adored goals each day because they loved their hobby enough to make it a part of their life.

As a writer, you can do the same. Nurture your hobby daily by learning to recognize share-worthy situations then recording them on paper.

Persistence that Pays
"Great works are performed not by strength but perseverance." - Dr. Samuel Johnson

My teacher said that one of the nicest things about being a writer is you get to write whatever you darned well please. Not only that you can claim your insatiable pursuit of personal interest as "research."


Changing the World One Story at a Time
"Many drops make a bucket, many buckets make a pond, many ponds make a lake, and many lakes make an ocean." - Percy Ross

Become a Practitioner of Kindness.

By viewing writing as a way to translate your most heart-helpful thoughts onto page you have emerged into a practitioner of kindness, another of the world's inspirational writers. To be bonafide you must stop living the dual life of writer versus human being and combine the two.

The way to do this is by experiencing, observing and of course, recording.

"Inspirational writing has hit the bookstores like a tidal wave. Volumes of material -- from taking 'soup' for the spirit to witnessing miracles and angels; from glorifying love and romance to internalizing success and happiness. You'd imagine man must be having a terribly desperate time, but yes, this desperation is exactly what the inspirational writer zeroes in on to address. And the writer's main challenge is how to be effective ...

Inspirational writing has a style all its own. The most effective inspirational articles are, first and foremost, personal -- first person, true to life, and uplifting.

For example: you are another member of this human race who has chosen to reach out to share something precious with those who aren't as blessed; you are a friend who cares, who wants others to learn from your own lessons. You humbly extend yourself, opening your heart and sharing valuable experiences, hoping that in the process you create a positive impact on your readers, that somehow you make a difference."

Inspiration Quotes

Quotes of the Day
"It is in the moment of your decision and action that your life is shaped." -- Anthony Robbins

How true are the words of a great motivational speaker. The major changes in my life were made in the moment of decision. At the crossroad of life, when you create a path not trodden by others, you create a new meaning for your life.
You are the author of your life. Everyday you write a new chapter. What will your story be?

One of the heroes in the tragedy of Nicoll Highway gave this advice to his family,
"Follow your dreams and your happiness will follow"

Weirdest Book Title

Weirdest Book Title
Here's one of the weirdest book title I have come across:

"HOW TO almost MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS - I almost did it and you can almost do it too."

Think about it. Almost anyone can do almost anything. And make any almost claims. What a way with words!

Ideas are Money

Quote of the Day

"A lot of people have ideas, but there are few who decide to do something
about them now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. But today. The true
entrepreneur is a doer, not a dreamer."

Nolan Bushnell
Founder of Atari Computer

Is Persistence Enough?
There is a story of an old man who spent more than 30 years taking his exams.
He say he will not get married until he pass the exam. He is praised for his persistence. But I thought if he is smart enough, he would have figure a way to pass the exam.

There is a saying that winners don't quit and quitter don't win. But the one who does not win and still don't quit is probably hitting his head against the wall. Probably it's time to step back and find a way around the wall.

Go Vegan

Go Vegan

Take a look at http://www.meetyourmeat.com
and you won't want to eat your meat. Every vege meals is an act of kindness

Quote of the Day
"Motherhood is the mother of all jobs", says Fauziah

Children Say the Darnest Thing

Children Say the Darnest Thing
"How come Mummy got milk, and your breast don't have milk?", I asked my 4-year old daughter.
"The milk is in my brain", she replied.

At one time, she was having a stomach ache.
While sitting at the toilet bowl to relief herself, she declared,
"I have a baby inside my stomach!"
"Can I see the baby?", I asked her.
"Yes, must cut the stomach open".
"So clever", I said.

How to Achieve Greatness

Quote of the Day

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert F. Kennedy

Conversation with God

A Conversation with God
(received from Fauziah)

God : Hello. Did you call me?
Me: Called you? No.. who is this?

God : This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.
Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something..

God : What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.
Me: Don't know. But I cant find free time. Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all the time.

God : Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.
Me: I understand. But I still cant figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.

God : Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you re comfortable with.
Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

God : Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.
Me: why are we then constantly unhappy?

God : Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.
Me: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?

God : Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.
Me: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty..

God : Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?

God : Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don't suffer. With that experience their life become better not bitter.
Me: You mean to say such experience is useful?

God : Yes. In every terms, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.
Me: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why cant we be free from problems?

God : Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.
Me: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading..

God : If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.
Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?

God : Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.
Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

God : Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.
Me: What surprises you about people?

God : when they suffer they ask, "why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me" Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.
Me: Sometimes I ask, who am I, why am I here. I cant get the answer.

God : Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.
Me: How can I get the best out of life?

God : Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.
Me: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

God : There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.
Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I am so happy to start the New Year with a new sense of inspiration.

God : Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

Everlasting Words to strum my Heart

A Windows to Words

"As my fingers dance on the keyboard, my eyes scale distant peaks.
I relish the gleaming Olympic Mountains through the window. The early
morning sun brings a soft glimmer, but the view will change every hour."

Glimmer:
To appear faintly or indistinctly: Hope still glimmered in our minds.
A faint manifestation or indication; a trace: a glimmer of understanding.

Gleam
A brief beam or flash of light: saw gleams of daylight through the cracks.
A brief or dim indication; a trace: a gleam of intelligence.

What's in a Beauty Contest?

What's in a Beauty Contest?

A certain Miss Singapore Universe shared her thoughts about the Beauty Pageants and I concurred.

Beauty contest is not about character and personality. Afterall, it's called a beauty contest, not an IQ contest.
Every country has its own ideal standard of beauty. Therefore at the International Beauty Contest, whatever criteria judges are looking for, represent only one ideal.
In one country, beauty must be natural.
In another country, every contestant must sign a paper to allow the surgeon to enhance their asset.
Natural beauty vs plastic beauty.
What's short in the land of the tall, is normal in the land of the short. So, by whose standard do we measure the ideal height?

What's beauty? Is it just the height, the curves, and some display of wits and political correctness in the Q&A?

Puns

Puns of the Day

No one died
when Clinton lied

"On a mission to find my mission"

"Time out or Burn out"

What is Perception

What is Perception?
Everyone who drives slower than me is an idiot and everyone who drives faster is a maniac.

When an image appeared on a window pane what do people see?

People see what they want to see.
A Catholic would probably see the Madonna.
A Hindu maybe a wife of Shiva.
An Animist perhaps the sould of an ancestor.
A janitor most likely a window that can't be cleaned right.
And a contractor, an opportunity to replace the window, that casing, and the seals
(source: Barbara)

Children Say the Darnest Thing

Kids Say the Darnest Things
My 5-year old girl was sitting at the loo, during her own business.
She watched with fascination as the 'hotdog' ejects itself slowly from her ass.
"Look, daddy, my poo-poo is like banana", she exclaimed.
What a discovery.

Later my 3-year old girl and my 4-year old girl was watching the TV program 'Bold and Beautiful'.
In one of the scene, a couple was about to be married.
Suddenly, my 4-year old said "Daddy, I want to marry".
"Who's your boy friend?". I just played along with her.
"Marry who?", I asked
"I Marry you", my daughter said to me.
The younger girl who is mummy's darling girl was not to be outdone.
She boldly declared, "I marry Mummy".

"You are apple of my eyes", I declare to the younger girl.
With a wink, she replied, "You are the orange of my eyes"

"Stop telling lies", I told Marie.
"Ok, I'll wash the lies from my mouth", she answered.

I wonder where did she learn to say like that.

Obedience without Understanding

Obedience Without Understanding
Since the days of cradle, we are taught to obey, most of the time, without questioning why.
Parents say, "Listen to me son, I know what is good for you".
As a student, if you disagree with the teachers, you fail. If your answer doesn't tally with the teacher's model answer, you fail.
In the army, you don't question your commander. My commander told me, "Do as you are told. Do first, question later".
Even in church and religion, followers are taught to be obedient.
Of course, we believe obedience is a good thing. It's a virtue...until we begin to stop thinking and follow in blind obedience.

That's how the Germans followed Hitler to exterminate the Jews. That's how followers of cult groups committed mass suicide. That's how some parents refused medical treatment for their children in the name of their religion.

What happened to those who dare to speak out against the establishment? They stick out like a sore thumb. They are chop off, ostracised, marginised. They are a pain to the society.

For any starter who dare to question current assumptions, the voices of criticism are loud and painful.
"Why rock the boat?"
"Do you know how many people are going to suffer cos of you?"
"Loose lips sink boats"
"Who do you think you are?"
"Why major on the minor?"
And suddenly, you find your private life exposed, all your skeletons in the cupboard revealed.
Suddenly, strange calls, harassment, threats.

Sometimes you feel the nagging feeling that the critics could have been right and you have been wrong about your opinions. It's already bad enough dealing with your own imperfection. When you are a child, you think like a child. When you grow up, you look back at the past, and laugh at your own immature thinking.

Now you know why only the ignorant who thinks impossible is nothing, or the foolhardy, will stick their head out of the crowd and speak on the pedestal. Now you know why, it takes the heart of a lion to lead a pack of sheeps.

If you have the wisdom to understand, sometimes the majority may not always be right. For most people, the safer route is to follow the crowd cos there's safety in number, cos you don't want to be lonely one. That's why the route to Heaven is narrow and steep, and few enter, while the route to Hell is wide, and many a crowd.

Now I'm hearing the hit song "Shut up, shut up....". It's still ringing in my ears.

Catchy Book Titles

Catchy Book Titles
from mobster to minister
from prisoner to preacher
from jail to Yale

Power in Simple Words

Power in Simple Words
There's power in simplicity. The wisdom of the generations can be distilled in a few words.
Here's some:

1. Ask
2. Enough
3. I love you
4. I forgive you
5. Impossible is nothing
6. Just do it
7. Let go

Plight of Women

The Plight of Women
Today's Oprah Show highlight the plight of women esp in India.
God cannot be everywhere in person, so HE creates mothers.
The name of God in the lips of every child is called 'MAMA'.

Mothers abort their child if it is a daughter cos a daughter has to give dowry to the husband.
A daughter's family has to save a lifetime for a dowry. That's why a daughter is a burden to the family.

Families sell their kidneys cos of rising debts.
Wives were burnt alive cos of dowry.

Reading Between the Lines

Reading Between the Fine Lines
Here's one company who was trying to bluff the consumers with claims about the gadgets.
In its brochure, it says: "Ingeniously designed for easy use, is tested by xxx".

XXX enlightened the public. She said that being tested could also mean that the product had failed the test.
The product should be certified.

So ye reader, now you know the difference between 'tested' and 'certified'.
I have a new marketing gimmick too.
If I am a school dropout, I could say, "I'm schooled in Harvard University"
If I have failed my exam, I could say, "I'm tested by so and so"
If I had work a day in a big company and got fired the next day, I could say "I have worked with IBM".

Casino

Casino is Here
[Disclaimer: Work of fiction]

The casino operators are eyeing this piece of goldmine like a hawk.
The authorities saw the money the way Eve saw the apple.
The forbidden fruit looks good.
"If we bite it, we are going to be rich"
"Never mind, what God says about morality. Let the priests take care of it"
The other day, the authorities and the casino operator called me to join them for a chat at the Kopitiam.
They asked me how can they bring in the casinos and allay the fears of the citizens.

I told them. You have come to the right place. It's a goldmine here. Look at the TONTON queue.
It's so long that you thought they are queuing for a free meal. Look at the HORSE Club. It's pack
like sardin. Even David Beckam cannot command that kind of audience size. When the horses gallop,
the roar of the audience is so loud, even the Tiger roar, and the Kallang roar is no match.

I did a survey and asked the old man at the queue what he was buying.
"For a piece of hope, my friend".

So I told them, casino is good for the people. It brings hope to the hopeless. That's good news for the citizens. That will cut down the suicide rate from on a day. Everyday, they can buy the newspaper to check their numbers and hope for a lucky strike. It's good business for the newspaper vendors too.

But we have to content with the religious people who has been nagging us like our mothers.
"Oh gambling is bad, blah blah blah"

Don't worry, I assure them. I have an answer to that.

We all know that smoking is bad, yet we are able to sell it like hot cakes. How did we do it?
Put a warning label and help lines on the packet. "It's bad for your health. May cause cancer. If you need a
doctor call this number xxxx. If you have bad breath, call the dentist at this number xxxx."

We'll do the same for the lottery machines. Put a warning label on it. If they need a counsellor, here a number to call.
If they need to borrow more money, here' s a syndicate they can call. You can sell your handphone, or your car, or whatever your have. Service is fast. On the spot. No form filling, no queue, no waiting. And if you have a body to match, you can rent out your body for an hour. I heard the rate in Gentine is RM500. If the money is not enough, we can have 2 men to 1. This is called leveraging your time. More bucks for the same time. If you still need more money , no problem, we can have a 3-in-1 orgies.

To protect the poor people who don't have the big buck to gamble, we will have a secure measure to control their access. First they got to show their IC. Anway, wee don't want underaged people to come and look see look see and crowd around. This is not a pasar malam (night market).

Then they got to show us their income tax declaration. If they are not paying income tax, obviously they are too poor to gamble. We will suggest they go to play the 4-D at the grocery shop.

In this time of unemployment, the citizens will be happy to hear that casinos will bring in a lot of jobs.
We need more counsellors, priests and pimps. We need more licensed loan sharks, pawn shops, credit consolidation services. We can afford to set up another university to train these people.

"What if these protest?", one of the M asked.
"Don't worry, the worst case scenario - have a casino for tourist only".
"Our people are just too poor. Look at their saving. 1 in 5 have less than $10,000"

If you recall, wherever the soldiers are based, a whole new industry is built overnight around their camp to service their need. So where the money is, the flies will swamp. The smell of money can build a town overnight. Creates a lot of jobs.
Bring in the tourists. They got the money.

When I head the ABBA singing "Money money money....", a lightbulb lighted up. Hey, we can use that for our campaign!

I told them as responsible operators, they could contribute some of their earnings to charity to help treat gambling addicts. For good public image, portray themselves as a charitable organisation. Do a study to monitor gambling habits. Show people how much jobs they can create. Provide funds for the treatment of addicts, education, research and awareness campaigns. Contribute to the redevelopment of the city such as the red carpeting of the street, so that we can draw in the tourists.

Think about it...just $2 of coffee for these pieces of advice....hmm.. I should have charge them a consultation fee.

Request for a Raise

Subject: Request For A Raise
To: Manager

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labor
* I work at great depths
* I work head first
* I do not get weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Subject: Response To Your Request For A Raise
To: Employee

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow management's orders
* You do not stay in your allocated position and often
visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative -- you need to be
pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of
your shift
* You don't always observe H&S measures, such as
wearing the correct
protective outfits
* You don't wait till pension age before retiring
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your allocated position before
you have completed the day's work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen
constantly entering and leaving the work place
carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Project Management 101

Dakota Indian tribal wisdom on project management

The tribal wisdoms of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that 'when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount'. However, in many companies as well as in the UN and NGO community a range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Changing riders
2. Appointing a committee to study the horse
3. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses
4. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included
5. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.
6. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse
7. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed
8. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance
9. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance
10. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the mission of the organisation than do some other horses
11. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses...

Postcard from Japan

Postcard from Japan
I like the simplicity of the layout - the current news on the homepage with another page for the archive.

Mail from the Office
I received this email from my colleague.

"So far had contibuted funds for the activities to get started. As at today, number of officers had pledge to contibute wine to make this occasion a memory once"

"I am looking forward for your contribution and ideas to make the end of the year function a memorial once...."

How to Deal with Terrorist Threats

How to Deal with Terrorist Threats

The cheap and brainless way - remove the source of potential problem.

At the singapore MRT stations, the rubbish bins were removed. Want to dump your trash? Put in into your pocket. Learn to be responsible for your own rubbish. Now the cleaner may be in danger of losing his job. No more trash to clear. Poor old man!

They have been talking about deploying marshalls at the train. A reader suggested that it would be too late. They should have filtered them before they board the train. Why didn't they think of it? I don't know what's next. Maybe they will start to screen all the bags that transit through the gates.

On the bright sides, there are going to be a lot of jobs for security personnels and marshall. So all ye unemployed and those loafing around, looking for a job, start to dust off your NCC uniform from your cupboard.

The liberty Statue in USA is no longer accessible to tourists. I think a chain should be tied around the arms of the statue to symbolise that it is no longer in liberty. It is now in bondage to the terrorist threat, bonded by the chains of fear.

Have you seen the American embassy in Singapore? Some said that it looks more like a mighty ugly fortress.

Unlimited Wealth

The Secrets Behind the Secrets to UNLIMITED WEALTH

What a tempting advertisement. I'm salivating already. "The Proven Asian Way of Generating UNLIMITED WEALTH for a lifetime". It quoted 6 success stories. "You can be the next success story!", it said.

The sceptic in me asked, "Is there a catch?" Yea, for every success, there are probably a thousand failure.
I asked one of the MLM company how many millionaires have they generated. The salesman said, "Only one - the CEO himself".

A recent TV documentary showcased spa owners who owned million dollars houses. Critics say you can never enlarge the breast the natural way. But how come the advertisement show the 'before' and 'after' photos?

Here's my assessment. To ensure that your breast continue to be in tip top shape, you have to continue to visit the spa for treatment. If you stop treatment, it will sag. Each treatment will cost you $100 or more. As long as you keep going, you keep paying. And that's how you keep it in shape. Got it?

Now you know why people in the breast enhancement, penis enlargement or body reduction business are in the best business. The human desire never changes, whichever era you are in, no matter how advance civilisation has evolved.

Here's my secret to the Secret to unlimited wealth: Give them what they don't have, and they will give you what you they have that you don't have.

Got it?

Politics

President Suharto
Many years ago, Suharto was tried in court for alleged corruption. But he was never put on trial. The reason - poor health. Too sick to appear in court. Few days ago, he was seem in good health, walking to the polling station to cast his vote for the election. Hmm....the silence is deafening.

National Service in Malaysia
Anything that can happen happened. Fighting between groups belonging to different races, beaten up cos they refused to give protection money, seniors beat up trainee in extortion bide, girl found dead with drug, alleged molest, sexual harrassment, etc.

Troops moved in to maintain discipline among the 85,000 participants. School dropouts are no longer eligible. The NS scheme, the brainchild of Mahathir, was meant to promote national integration and reverse years of racial polarisation.

It's a tall order. My take: start small and fine tune the system along the way.

Bullshits of the Day

Beckam and the Media
The media is determined to expose David Beckam's alleged extra-marital affair.
Now Beckam's fame and fortune could be threatened. His family's peace is disturbed.

What's the intent of the media? Is there malice at play? What a footballer do in his private life - is it the media's business?
The media has not drawn a line between a celebrity's private life and public life.
The situation reminds me of the documentary on piranha, that I saw on TV yesterday.
Just one slip down the water, and the school of piranhas will devoured it to its bones in seconds.
That's the way the media behave, and Beckam is their juiciest victim.

Marketing Tip of the Day
A local business started a golf buddy for rental for $350 a day. He said that he can offer golf tips and and can make intelligent conversations on anything under the sun. There were few enquires but no business so far.

Do you know why? Here's my advice, for free.
In China, they had started a similar business with roaring success. They recruit pretty girls who cannot play golf and send them for an intensive course in golf. What do men golfers want in a golf buddy? surely not another man! They want a pretty face for company.

So if he wants to continue his business, change the word 'golf buddy' to 'golf coach'.

Another BS of the Day
A commuter complaint to the newspaper that during one of the transit train ride, the lights were off and the aircon was off. It was one hot train ride to town. He would have wanted to press the emergency button to alert the driver. The reply from the authorities goes like this, the way I interprete it:

"If you press the emergency button, the train will stop at the next station and it takes a special key to reset it. And the train will be delayed and cause inconveniences to the passengers. So plse don't press it unless it is an emergency."

"By the way, if you need to alert the staff, you can alight from the the train and use the phones at the station".

Got it? I wish they can simply tell me, that I can just walk up to the driver's compartment, and knock on the door and say "Hello driver, you must have switch off the lights and aircon by accident!!!".

Or maybe the authorities should pump in another few more millions of dollars to upgrade their IT system so that it will alert the driver when it is switch off while the train is moving.

Some More B.S of the Day
A Japanese restaurant in China offers a novel food service. The food are laid on the naked body of lady who is laid on the table. In response to the criticism that this is a form of disrespect towards the women, the manager said: "The purpose of this promotion is not commercial, but to spread Japanese culture".

Now you know you can "taste Japanese culture". To them, it's not a disrespect towards women, but an appreciation, like an artist, of the beauty of the body form.

BTW, health authorities put a stop cos the the girls do not have a valid health certificates.

How come people who wants to marry do not need a certificate to certify they are fit for marriage.
No wonder so many marriages end in divorce.

Book Consultants

list of book packagers and book consultants:
http://frugalmarketing.com *
http://writerscollective.com *
http://www.bookwrights.com *
http://www.cedarhousepublishers.com *
http://www.eyelevelbooks.co.uk
http://www.glbpubs.com/ppsumm.html*
http://www.karmichaelpress.com *
http://www.silvercat.com *
http://www.writingandeditingatwork.com

How to Go to Heaven

How to Go to Heaven
In today's Straits Times newspaper about a priest's embezzlement trial, it mentioned that a devout Catholic donate $1 million to the church so that she could go to heaven.

Call me an ignorant Christian. You mean it is like buying a COE or certificate of Entitlement? You see, not everyone can go to heaven, otherwise hell would be deserted. So if everyone is good, then how to select the few? The more you give to the church, the better your chance.

So I think, I better save some money for a ticket to heaven. Now I going to draft a will for my son.

"Sorry kid, can't afford to fund your university education, I need to save a million for a ticket to heaven. When you make the big buck in future, don't forget to donate to the church on my behalf, to ensure a place is reserved for me. See you in heaven"

Now I know why some churches look grander than a 5-star hotel, and why some drive nice cars while I take the bus.

I remember the old faithful days when I donated my bus-fare money of 10 cents so that I put some offering into the offering bag. 10 cents was all I have for the week. And I had to skip one canteen break for that. And I had to cycle 3-5 km back and forth, just to donate that 10 cents. God must be smiling at me. Now I have a purse full of coins in my pocket. It is never empty.

What's in a Name?

What's in a Name?
If you are an expatriate in Singapore, one of the books you cannot live without is a book on Singapore Acronyms. If you need this book, write to me at sam@samchoo.com. I'll write one just for you.

The govt looks after the people very well. For example, the people are so busy working that they have no time to socialise and get married. They rather be productive in work than be productive in producing babies. So the Social Develoment Unit, or SDU was formed for single people to meet and get to know each other, hopeful leading to marriages and babies.

There were rumours spreaded by jealous married people who could not join the unit. They say that SDU refers to "Single Desperate and Ugly". Oh, this rumour got into the ears of the Minister. Yesterday he assured the people,"But I assure you...you will find many people who are 'Sexy, Desirable and Unique'".

For aspiring writers, never call yourself an unpublished writer. It denotes a writer who has failed or has not achieve success. Instead, call yourself an apprentice writer.

Saying Alot about Nothing

The Art of Saying Alot About Nothing
Civil servants must have been taught to be politically correct and safe when they respond to complaints. They are capable of saying a lot about nothing, leaving the men the in street confused, and too embarrassed to ask, "What you mean?".

Someone asked, of the public apartments, why they are high in price, and small in size.
And here's the reply that says alot about nothing:

"In pricing new flats, takes into account the location, floor area, design features, finishes, lease tenure, as well as the prevailing market prices of comparable resale flats...To cater to households with different incomes, offers different types of flats with prices that vary according to location, design tuype and size."

If you are reading it, submit your favourite and I will have it compiled into a book called "The Art of Saying alot about nothing". This will be an essential textbook for all civil servants.

Are you Stupid or What?

B.S. of the Day
Someone wrote to the newspaper to complain that the new HDB 5-room flats are too small for their price.

What a coincidence! My friend told me that he would have to keep paying for the next 30 years to purchase a $300,000 flat. The accumulated interest would cost more an additional $300,000. And at the end of 99 years, you have to give it back to the Govt. He said his Malaysian wife can buy a landed bungalow at 1/4 of the price.

Don't complain too loud, my friend. It's already subsidied by the Govt. Don't think your $300,000 is as big as the lorry's wheel? Without the subsidies, you probably can buy a house, the size of a cubicle or prison cell. Thank the govt for the subsidies. Chant the mantra, "It could have been worst" a hundred times. A sure cure for whiners.

So the authorities replied and said the size of 22 sqn m of living space per person is favourably compared to Hong Kong, Tokyo and Seoul where the average space ranges from 7 sq m to 15 sq m.

Just wondering why the authorities did not compare with Australia, New Zealand, Canada, USA, Malaysia or Indonesia?
See, I told you, statistics are a wonderful management tool to pacific your customers. You select the statistics you want to portray.

If there's so much B.S. like these everyday, it would be great stuff for a writer like me. Then I would have enough to compile into a book called, "A bullshit a Day Keeps the Sh!t Away", a compilation of 365 stories of this sort.

Are you Stupid or what?

Well readers, if you like what you are reading, let me know and I will collect it and have it compiled into a book. Stupidity is the most abundant resource of mankind. It provides a lot of laughter for the readers who are already so stressed.

The other day, there was an advertisement for a 1-day workshop on Public Speaking. Cost: $500. That's a week's salary.

I laugh to think of how some trainers promised a route to wealth as a certified professional speaker. Pay this highly qualified trainer more than a thousand dollars to attend a few days workshop at a posh hotel room. At the end of which you can awarded a certificate which says that you are now a certified professional. Go forth and start earning your millions!

In workshops like these, you learn the techniques and the tricks of the trade, but it takes years to master them. It is just like a kungku school. The master can show you the techniques of all his moves, but it would take you years to master the moves and to apply them effectively.

Just because you are a certified master trainer doesn't make you a master. Got it?

Toilet Book

Quote of the Day

Philip Yeo said that "everything I do now, I have to do IRR (Internal Rate of Return), EVA (Estimated Value Added). You think Attila the Hun or Genghis Khan calculated EVA before they attacked?"

"If you want to make lemonade,you must get the lemons first, then squeeze. Not sit around and calculate how much juice you may be able to squeeze from each lemon."

Well said. That's why I think civil servants in ivory towers, schooled in the academy of theories, don't fare well in entrepreneurship. I confessed I do fall into the trap of over-planning, over-researching instead of doing the actual thing.

It's like one of those productivity scheme, where we have to squeeze our busy times, or stay overtime to brainstorm on how to be more productivity in the office.

I have to remind myself, that I just have to go ahead, do it, and then learn along the way. It is better to have a lousy product, then have a perfect planning and still not out with anything. But the perfectionist in us says, "It is not good enough. It is not ready to be produce".

And this is my struggle as I anticipate my first published book. Lots of questions like which title is best, which format - ebook or printed book, how much, what to include, 1 thick book or split into 4 booklet. Decision, decision, decision.

Self Publishing

I bought a book on 'Self Publishing secrets' by Justin Wizard. He works on a farm, and he sells his knowledge by self publishing his photostated papers on a spiral ring binder. I learn that everyone has a different preference.

I love the feel and texture of a book. I like to highlight, underline it, carry it with me. I like to hold a book. So e-book is not something I can feel sentimental about. I enjoy looking at the design of the book cover. To read a book is to enter into the world of another person, to have a glimpse of a person's life. That's very touching to the soul. To me, a good book must have a good cover, a bigger and a darker font for easy reading.

Books Ideas
I went for the MPH Book Warehouse Sales and got some good buys. I bet few people knows that MPH stands for Methodist Publishing House and it was founded by a missionary who was born 150 years ago. Browsing through the books gave me so much ideas of the books that could be written.

Toilets.
I wonder if anybody has written a book about the 'Toilets of the World'. That would be fascinating look at the architecture of this sort. In Singapore, we have the Restroom Associatoin of Singapore. It's 5-year old. There's a hygiene grading for the toilets in Singapore, a toilet song. What's next? If you observe what's in the toilet, that's interesting - the kind of posters. What's odd in Singapore is that you get to see female cleaners in male toilets.

We can tell a guy by the way he shows his asset. If he is cocky and confidence, he will flash his asset to the female cleaners when the opportunity arise. The shy one will hide in the cubicle. The defensive one will whistle to drown the noise of the waterfall. The insecured one will look at the guy next to him and compare their sizes. Wow, you can judge a man by the way he behave in the toilet. Isn't this a great idea for a book?

And don't forget to throw in some toilet jokes or toilet misadventures.

Sometimes I joked to my audience that for those who hate to sell, a toilet attendant would be the perfect career. You don't have to harass people for a sales. People will visit your toilet automatically, thanks to the call of nature. When nature calls, you can't bargain. Leave your shit here or take it!. The slogan is "Your shit is my bread and butter". If I have the money, I would open a chain of toilets - with piped in music, fragrance, video advertisement, a venting machine for condom, sex toys, a classified advertisement board for lonely people, for farting contest and courses on how to wear a condom. The toilet is the last unconquered frontier for marketers.

I heard that the toilets in China are atrocious. Hmm...sound like a good place to start a toilet business there. Don't you know that the more shitty the work, the better the pay. Hey, Singaporeans complain they don't have enough jobs, but the government says there is plenty of jobs.

Do you know that plumbers are paid better than lecturers? They clean up people's shit.
Do you know that prostitutes make more money than factory workers cos they suck up people's ass and mess? That's a messy face job.
Do you know that dentists make good money cos they have to smell and see the rotten teeth day in and day out?
Do you know that lawyers make good money cos they have to get involved in quarrel in the court, throwing mud, accusation, and wasting dirty clothes in public?

That proves my theory that if you want good money, do the dirty work. I once asked my friend who retired as a LTC from the Army, who he was doing for a living. He said he pick up people's unwanted rubbish. He was in the business of recycling. It was a multi-million dollar business. He died suddenly while jogging on a fine day. Bless his soul.